There are times when I find it so easy to share my daily musings (the good & the bad), with you my readers & friends. And there are times when the words just do not flow easily. In "Phenomenal Woman" post, it was mentioned that I needed a bit of confidence for a recent RI visit. Well, it turns out that all was well & I stressed for no reason. Now I'm stressing about whether I should fill you in on what I was worried about! I try to keep this site as upbeat as possible and do not want to bring people down. But, eventually it will come out, so I'll try to be brief and keep the gory details to a minimum.

My nephew was christened on Sunday and I was anxious because my father and much of his family were in attendance. My parents went through a gruesome divorce when I was about 15/16 yrs old. It was very traumatic for my entire family and I was very much in the middle of all of the action. Basically, my dad abandoned us. He walked out that door and stopped calling us for a long while and stop paying the bills(until a court order changed that). My grandparents moved into our home to take care of us & my devastated mother. They ran through a large chunk of their retirement funds paying our bills. My father eventually contacted us (three months after he left) but, through his actions and words made it clear that we were no longer a priority. Get togethers were few & far between. And being disappointed or let down by him and/or his actions became a regular occurrence. I couldn't take the pain anymore, so I cut off all contact with him and eventually my brother did the same. My sister did not.

I didn't see him or his family (most of them never tried to contact us after the divorce) for many years until my sister got engaged. They were all going to be at the wedding. One year before her big event, I began having nightmares and anxiety attacks. So, I went into therapy to try and deal with it all. There were so many layers of pain, disappointment, anger, etc. And I realized that hating him was only hurting me and my life. So, I had to find a way to forgive him. Forgive him for not being a good man, for not loving or caring about us, for all of the destruction that he brought into our lives. This was not an easy task! It took a great deal of time and grieving but, it eventually happened. You should all know that forgiving my father did not mean that I called him up and invited him over for dinner. It does not mean that I go to his family's gatherings. It's internal. I accept him for who he is & what he did, but realize that he's not a good person to have in my life. And yes, I still feel a bit anxious when I have to see them all. People who have gone through similar situations, told me that there will come a time when seeing that person will no longer be painful or emotional. It will be like being in the room with a group of strangers. Well, that didn't happen at my sis wedding 4 years ago, but, last Sunday I finally knew what they meant. And while I know that there are many layers to an onion and things/emotions can reveal themselves at any time, at this point in my life it felt like a triumph.

And please don't read this story and feel sad for me. I've been very fortunate to have many great & caring men in my life, who were more than willing to step up to the plate to take on the father role when it was needed. My grandfather was & still is a father figure to me. I have two amazing uncles that I know would do anything for me. I honestly couldn't choose between the three when it came to walking me down the aisle. I asked my brother(another great man) to do the honor. And instead of a father/daughter dance at the reception, I may ask all four of these caring & giving men to dance with me.

Posted by Dawn Falcone @ 4:59 PM 7 comments

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